​Waiting for an idea

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I think. 
A lot.

A lot from what I think is rubbish.

My mind constantly creates a noise. Like the low electric humming of the big Riso printer in my work office. Same as the printer waits for a command to print something, my mind waits for some command to get busy thinking about something. Then, when I find something, the humming becomes part of the bigger noise as my mind starts to process the individual thoughts and throws them out into the output tray where I pick them up wondering where the hell these ideas come from. 
I think, because I hope that it is possible that eventually, after a lot of thinking, I would come up with some brilliant idea Tha will “make me happy”. I hope that the realisation of what we want in life comes from thinking. I hope that whatever it is that will make me happy is something that my mind can eventually hit when it will think for long enough. Like it is bound to find it, a treasure amongst the trash. 

Then when that great idea is found, I will get excited about it and I will move me into an action. So far, not much success. 
So, that suggests there is a fault in the above theory.
I keep hearing thinking is bad. Sometimes I get accused of thinking too much and not doing enough.

I have to admit that I probably don’t take enough actions and the actions I eventually take are not the ones I probably should be taking. 

Procrastinator? Maybe. 

Avoider? Maybe.

Afraid? Yes. 
So what can I do about it all? How to cross the bridge from thinking to taking actions? 
I’m not sure. Thinking about this probably won’t help. If it was the right thing to do it surely would have helped by now.  

But… Wait! 

What if I was thinking wrong? What if my thinking was like walking in circles, like when you get lost in the forest? It’s not walking that’s the problem when your goal is to to find your way out of the forest. The problem is not knowing which direction to walk, because sure, you can choose a direction and keep going that way but that’s just a wild guess. (Still better than not moving at all I suppose though.

So maybe thinking isn’t the problem here. The problem is that I keep thinking the same things. All over again. 
As in my my favourite movie, Big Hero 6,i need to start looking for an outside the box thinking. That is not enforceable, I cannot tell my mind “Find me an outside the box solution!” Mind can easily get stuck in certain ways of thinking and then outside the box idea becomes somewhat unachievable. 

I think the first step is to stop the mind as soon as you realise it’s down then same old track. 
I have a six year old daughter. One day she asked me whether she can draw with me. I said “Sure.

She started and did a few lines and then her face became red, tears appeared in her eyes and she ripped the paper in two, crumpled both pieces and threw them on the floor.

Through sobs she then said “I cannot draw.”

It is one thing to know that your mind is lying to you about your capabilities, and other to see someone so young being already manipulated into believing that they can’t do something. 

So let me give you a bit of analysis here:

> Anneke wanted to draw something, maybe a dog > She had a picture of this dog in her head and that picture is what she wanted to draw > What appeared on paper wasn’t the picture she had in her head > Based on her inability to draw that one picture of that one specific dog she ruined her joy she she originally had when she asked me whether she can draw with me and generalised that into the soul crushing statement “I cannot draw!” (even added the exclamation mark at the end)
Now I am her father and I always loved her drawings. Always. No lying. I think they capture her personality really well and although I could admit she’s not Picasso, quite close though, I would happily frame anything she drew. I like art not for perfection (although I like some ridiculously detailed works too), but I want art to make me feel good. 

I would want Anneke to be an artist (of any kind). But it’s her choice. So it hurt me bad to hear her already putting herself down because her little mind tricked her. 

I did comfort her and explained her that she just needa to practice, but I knew that she seen me doing the same so I was really careful to not cross the line where I will somehow lie to her. It was a lesson for me to don’t do the same no matter how much I will dislike what I drew (and believe me, I dislike probably first four, five sketches of what I am trying to draw and they all end in the bin, ripped). 
So what did I try to say? 

Basically, in the situation, should I see that my drawing went “wrong” and I didn’t EXACTLY replicate the beautiful picture I imagined, I could, before I rip the paper, stop and search for an outside the box solution. Not pretending that what I drew is great, or lie to myself, but what if somehow I could rework it? 

Because let’s be honest, if I’m trying to get better at drawing, for every good piece there will be ten bad ones. But those ten are necessary for the good one to be born. So are they worse than the one I will choose to publish, or keep? No. I need too learn to treat those maybe with even higher appreciation, like one would a child that has got learning difficulties. 

And that is what I want to do. 
Always search for an outside the box solution. I’m sure there is always at least one. We just need to believe in that possibility and slowly change our ways of thinking. I’m sure we can do it. 

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