The Day

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There’s this song from Moby, The Day. 

It goes like this:
I try to know when to leave

She sits in the bedroom and grieves

There’s a sequence that starts all again

She can’t get up anymore with the pain
The combination of these drugs

Has left her hopeless and lost

She wants to count the ways

But she can’t count again
I will be right here

Till all the pain

Just disappears

I will always stay

Till all this light

Just kills the day
I strangle my words

Once, I tried a thousand times

Slaughtered like Gods

When the silver shines so hard
I tried to poison my life

Always dreaming on the edge of the knife

She always looked backwards

And I can sit here for even ten minutes or more
I will be right here

Till all the pain

Just disappears

I will always stay

Till all this light

Just kills the day
Oh hold on

Oh hold on

Oh hold on

Just try again, again
I will be right here

Till all the pain

Just disappears

I will always stay

Till all this light

Just kills the day
Oh hold on

Oh hold on

Oh hold on

Just try again
I remembered this song as I was trying to get an idea for today’s post. I decided to post a short text, an essay, or a poem, or just some random intellectual rant every day of this year. And I just realised how the day isn’t long enough for all the things I want to do. And it isn’t the day’s fault. Maybe I want too much from it. 
And here is the problem. I somehow came to this belief that I must spend my day doing some meaningful things and they all must be things that will get me to where I want to be be. Because otherwise what’s the point of doing anything?

If I am not doing these things, I panic. I feel sad, disappointed and generally empty. Like I wasted the day.  

Especially because whatever it is that I’m here to discover, it is my own task to figure it all out and I am still trying to understand what the hell am I supposed to do on this mission. 
I would want to say that closest to what I believe is our purpose here is to enjoy life. That wouldn’t be a problem if you truly could do what you want. But that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Well some say it is.
Good example is going to work, I don’t think there ever was a day when I actually wanted to go to work. At least not in the sense of truly wanting it. It somehow happened that I was raised to live with this belief that work is where the money comes from and you don’t work = you have no money. But working is essentially exchanging of one’s time doing what one “doesn’t want to do” to have money to do what one wants. And our level of satisfaction from this deal is simply a matter of how much of what we want we can afford after paying all the bills. 

Pretty sad right? 
Now back to where I started. 

I have this “ridiculous” dream of becoming an artist, an illustrator, a writer maybe and of getting to the point where that will give me enough money to do what I want (I mean more often). Because I truly wish I could make the money by doing what I enjoy doing rather then going to work. And at the moment, the only things that I really like doing and I can see myself becoming better at, with the potential of earning me some income are writing and illustrating. But it’s a long road and it still feels like a naive dream.

And I’m pretty sure that if that is what I want I must do something for it every day. Every bloody goddam day. Because if I can spend eight hours at work doing some random job, why wouldn’t I be able to dedicate some time to my own development?

Sounds cool, but I think that by the time I am able to do what will enable me to fulfil my dream I am already exhausted from doing my daily job. Then the willpower comes into play and depending on how strongly I feel motivated by my goal I can battle through the tiredness and get something done. Yet it somehow doesn’t make me happy. It gives me some sense of purpose, but from what I felt in the last few months, it didn’t give me true happiness. And that left me confused. 
Where is the balance? 

Where is the point where I need to give up on the idea when pursuing it makes me exhausted, but I still want to go after it? (No pain no gain they say, right?)

What am I missing? (Because I feel like I am missing something important here.) 
I’m not sure if any of you can give me some answer. If you have only, feel free to comment, I would appreciate that. 
Thank you.

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