​Struggle with being happy


I’m sitting on the bus to work, only a few stops to go. Then a short walk through a small piece of woods and I will be at my working place. 
Sometimes my colleague asks me why don’t I get off at the earlier stop, which is closer to the work, I don’t know what to reply so I just pretend I like my routine and don’t fancy a change. 
I can’t be bothered to explain to him  that to walk 1.5 kilometres or let’s say 800 meters makes no difference. I don’t think I understand the obsession with taking the shortest route, being somewhere faster at all time. Like it’s our job to become great at coming everywhere as quick as possible, using shortest route and then be totally impressed how much time we saved for some great stuff.

I mean I get it. I do it sometimes. But if somebody asked me a question what am I planning to do do with the time I will save compared to going the longer route, I don’t think I’d know what to answer. Obviously getting home earlier is important (getting earlier this week work doesn’t seem as appealing). But if what we do with the time we gain by being super efficient at travelling, commuting is spending more time in front of TV, or killing it online, I’m not too sure whether it’s even worth it. 
I like being at home. Especially now, in winter. You spend hours and hours and a lot of money to make your house into a home so it would be pretty stupid to not want to spend your free time there. For introverts like me, staying at home with a book, or a good movie is one of the best ways of spending free time. The only drawback I see with that is that it’s not exactly healthy and we need some movement. A lot of it. And as I don’t like gyms, I decided to get my movement from walking. So I walk every time I can. I track how much I walk. I have some goals. I never had any goals before, definitely not in sport. But I guess there must be at least a little consciousness in what we do.
To live without without goal, or at least a sense of it, it’s pretty difficult. It might be OK to not have a goal for some time, but eventually you probably want to ask yourself: “So what is it that I want?” 
It’s a pretty hard question. I mean, if you want to answer it honestly. You could say “Oh, me? I just want to be happy.” Which is what I was telling myself everytime this question came up in my mind. But eventually I realised that such answer while technically correct, doesn’t satisfy. I didn’t want to admit it for a long time, but in order to o be happy, you just HAVE TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. So you need to ask yourself: “What makes me happy?” And after a moment of hesitation you should have your first thing that makes you happy. It might not be a big thing, it might be something as simple as having a cup of tea, or coffee with a friend. And from then, you can create your own list of things that make you happy. 

It’s not too difficult to come up with a decent list. The problem, as I see it, is with the time we have to do these things. Many of the things I like doing cannot be done while I’m at work. I can make myself happy outside of work, but I struggle to be happy at work. But maybe we don’t need to be happy all the time. Because what if what we refer to as happiness is just the awareness of the silent agreement with our deepest self and universe (God, Life) to love what we can and find love in as many things as we can. And if for whatever reason we cannot find love in certain things, just accept it. 
PS: “This post is part of my journal for this year. It’s a raw material that I might not have a chance to edit any further, so please accept its unfinished state. I decided to write more, to practice, to get to understand myself better and to be able to see my thoughts from today in let’s say a week could be useful tool for that. I have written much of this for myself, but if you found anything good in it, I am glad.”


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