A promise (Meet child of mine)

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I went for a walk yesterday. Going out for a walk was actually a task I had to accomplish (as funny as it sounds). But it wasn’t only a walk I had to do, I should also get into touch with my inner child and talk to him (I suppose if there is an inner child in us, it would be an entity similar to us when we were children, each of us unique and unrepeatable, still dreaming, hoping and innocent). So my task was to open up myself to this hidden entity inside of me and find out how he is (I’m referring to it as a boy as that’s how I imagine it).

I hope this doesn’t sound too extravagant as now when I write about it here, shortly before 7 in the morning going to work, with all of this going public, I find it all a little bit too dreamy myself. I know that people do crazy stuff and that there must be socially acceptable level of weirdness and it’s this weirdness that makes us ourselves and sometimes we even full in love with each other’s weirdness, but I still feel a little bit strange about talking about it, but I’m going to do it anyway, this is what getting out of comfort zone means, right? And it’s a good thing, right?

So I went to the forest, with my camera, to find out what it’s like trying to talk to someone you never knew existed and who’s existence might even be on the same level as that of an imaginary friend. It turned out to be a nice autumn day, it was quite warm and wetness of the morning rain still hanged out in the forest air. I’m not going to describe how did I talk to this inner child of mine, I don’t really remember, it was pretty much like Gandalf’s encounter with Bilbo at his doorstep, awkward, uncomfortable, but somehow enchanting and uplifting. It felt like a beginning of something important, something meaningful, like there is an unexpected journey ahead of me.

The trees in the forest looked all the same and I decided to reward myself with some nice profile pictures, I wore my nicest scarf and my favorite hat (I hope this doesn’t show me as narcissistic, I hope it is acceptable for a man to tak pictures of himself (unless it’s a topless selfie in the bathroom, that’s just wrong)). I was supposed to walk alone, talking to my inner child, finding out what he wants, how can I help him, protect him, make him happy. But there were too many people around and I had to interrupt my dialogue quite often. (Now this is actually weird, man in his late thirties trying to have a dialogue with himself. Well, that’s what I was doing, not much point in hiding it.) Since this was supposed to be an initiation of the inner child into my life, like I was summoning it into existence from some long forgotten world beyond this world, I felt slightly strange about it all (well, wouldn’t you too?). I guess everything unusual, every step in new direction, every journey into the unknown feels like this. You just don’t know. But it’s ok to not know. To not have a clue what is going to happen to you.

Half way through my journey a met a solitary man standing behind a folding plastic table offering coffee, tea, hot chocolate and cordial water to all passing by. It felt so great to see him. To witness his own weirdness, to spend four hours of serving local community by this act of kindness. I’m only calling it weirdness, because that’s how would it be called by the standards of this world as it is (deep in shit). Somehow, after talking to my inner child for about 45 minutes, I found him being in the forest perfectly normal, acceptable and, most of all, enjoyable and encouraging. So I asked him for a cup of coffee and after he made it we started to talk. I found out that he’s doing it every first Sunday of the month. He was part of Church of St. Mark which was a church in village down the road. Although I’m pretty tolerant towards religions that try to help people and build them in spirit, I found it even more impressive that apart from a banner on the table he didn’t say a single word suggesting we should, in return for a coffee, or tea, visit a church, pray, or in any other way repay for his kindness. As far as I’m concerned, he was there, doing his little job, serving others as we all should, I’m unsure how often, but once in a month sounds acceptable. I’m sure we would learn a lot about ourselves and world this way. I will think about it.

I said bye to this man, letting him serve the big group of dog walkers and went away continuing on my journey.

Towards the end of my journey I discovered a beautiful tree and I decided to make myself a picture sitting in front of it, on a stump. It was actually three trunks growing from one and it really looked amazing, I imagined I am sitting on the throne of the king of the forest. (Picture here) I think it’s pretty cool picture and I like it (think what you want).

On the way home, as I was walking out of the forest, I promised myself to do this again. I think I really enjoyed being out there, not knowing much about myself, like I forgot it all, trying to remember. I think I remembered a bit of who I was. Who I was meant to be. The freedom, th hope, the joy.

Childhood.

I’ll bring it back.

I promise…

Yours

~uth~

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